Auld Lang Syne

On the eve of a brand new year, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've gone through friends and lovers like an alcoholic goes through bottles. I've won and lost, more the latter, and it's starting to wear me through the bone. But this new year is going to be different. With every changing season, it offers a change for each of us and I am no exception.

I've vowed to love like I've never been hurt. Right now, this seems easier said than done, but I'm going to stick to it s long as I can. I'm going to stop getting angry at the little things he does and keep my mouth shut, because I'm learning more than ever that the words that slip out of my mouth can hurt more than I think. I've got to be patient, now more than ever. I've waited over six months; I can wait a little bit longer.

I'm going to get home. That is one of my biggest resolutions this year. I've been in the wrong city for a good eight or nine years and, now that I've finally found my home, it's just been a waiting game to get there. When I finally break free, I'm going to have a whole new start. I'll be moving to Chicago with few friends, no family, and a new name. It's going to be my one chance to start over and make something of myself. Keep an eye on my name, I'm planning on it being worth something by the end of this year.

I want to be a brand new person this year. Every little step is one step closer to being who I want to be. Live, laugh, and love. Happy 2011, everyone.

-jrd

Blow

It's silly to say, as young as I am, that I just want to stay with one person for a while. I want to stay with someone I care about for more than two or seven months at a time. I just want a relationship that doesn't leave me with scars, emotionally or physically.

Every single relationship I seem to get into, hurts me in some way. I have severe mental scars from a previous boyfriend that has an effect on so many things that I do. I can't look at pregnant women without a little part of me breaking inside. I can't stand when people call when they're high or drunk because it reminds me too much of the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered. I sound like such a hypocrite because I tend to drunk dial people myself. I smile and laugh and pretend that none of this bothers me, but I just play it off like it doesn't matter. I think my greatest saving grace is my ability to keep a strong face.

I got asked if, in a rough sexual situation, I would be okay with being slapped in the face. In any normal situation, I'm fine with being as rough as possible. But, because of one fateful night, if anyone hits my face or grabs both wrists and yells at me, I absolutely lose it. I can't function normally because of what happened with this man and I'm scarred in more ways than one. I work every day to try and get past this, but it's harder than anyone could possibly imagine.

With the last man I dated, it's been so hard to trust guys again. I wasn't even acknowledged and was cheated on twice in one week, within a week of him seeing me. I felt like I didn't even matter and I was just a game to him. I'm terrified of being used and left behind again. I don't want to be just another girl to anyone, I want to be their only girl. I don't sleep around and I don't cheat on people, so I just want to be reassured the same. I don't ask for much; I just ask not to be fucked around with.

Words hurt, so watch what you say to the people who care about you. I don't expect everyone to understand my life choices, but I just don't want the people I care and love to judge them.

-jrd

Melt Away

I am going to make promises I can keep this time. Everything needs to change. I don't care how much of myself I destroy in the process. I'm going to be a whole new person next year and I'm going to see how much self control I really have.

This is not a cry for help. If it was a cry for help, I would put this everywhere I could, seeing if someone would notice. But, at this point, I don't care if someone notices or not, because it's not going to matter. Maybe I am one of the most self destructive people I know, but I'm just going to deal with that when my time comes.

-jrd

Grips

I'm going crazy. This isn't one of those "It'll pass" kinds of nights. This is one of those nights where I'm close to ripping my hair out and throwing myself down flights of stairs. I need to be home. I need to see everyone I miss because I'm at my breaking point. I want to scream until I fucking choke and just forget about everything.

I'm sick of not being able to be there when I need to be. I hate not seeing the people I care about the most. I hate being so far away from everything I want. My hands are shaking and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I need another nightmare just to remind me that I can actually get scared of something. Everything seems so wrong and I feel like I'm just a winter storm away from losing everything.

I can't last six more months. I can't.

I just need out.

-jrd

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Please don't treat me like this. The comments you intentionally or unintentionally make brings back all the good memories we've had together and it makes me miss you that much more. I don't want to quote Katy Perry, but every time I hear that song, I think of you. In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away. But you did get away and I thought I moved on. I'll always hold a place in my heart for you, but I sometimes wish things were different, because you were probably the best I've ever had. But I've grown up more and have somebody new now. I guess "forever and always" wasn't meant to be.

Don't overstep the boundaries. You're a good friend, but that's it to me. Some things you say aren't just appropriate for what you know about my current romance situation. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to get to Chicago once and for all and things can actually start. I'm glad our paths brought us together again. Here's to a new start to something good.

I thought I liked you, and then I realized that it just wouldn't work. I'm sorry if I ever led you on, but I'm glad I have you as a friend. It's great to have someone that I can just talk to for hours on end, no matter what time in the morning. I hope we get to hang out a lot more once I get to Chicago.

-jrd

Mixtape

I made a mixtape based off this post on Tumblr. Since I don't really use my tumblr, I decided to do it here. If you want to make one, feel free and definitely leave me a comment with the link! I'd love to see it!

SIDE ‘A’
1) Bigger Point of Pride - You, Me, and Everyone We Know (While the years are still on my side, my back is strong, my eyes are wide. I want the work I do to be a bigger point of pride.)
2) Legend of Mourice - For The Birds (Gotta beware of the last path choice you took, was it meaningful or deceiving?)
3) Animal - Neon Trees (Here we go again. I kinda wanna be more than friends. So take it easy on me; I'm afraid you're never satisfied.)
4) The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson (The way you make me feel, you really turn me on. You knock me off my feet, my lonely days are gone.)
5) I'm On A Boat - The Lonely Island (I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat.)
SIDE ‘B’
1) Ur So Gay - Katy Perry (You walk around like you’re oh so debonair. You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there. I wish you would just be real with me.)
2) Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri (I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found. But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms.)
3) Boston - Augustana (I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.)
4) Vegas Skies - The Cab (All of these guards, they stand tall and defensive, putting up walls around what was once innocent. It won’t let me in.)
5) Need That - Mod Sun (You're alive, what more could you ask for?)

New Letters

Dear You,

I like you. I like you a lot. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand. I want to stay up for nights watching horror movies with you. I want to go to Disney World with you. I want to be to be the one to help you get through the rough nights I know you have. I want to be the one to calm your nerves before you play. I want to drink with you and dance on tables. I want to fall into bed with you and spend the day there. I want to be the one you want.

I don't ask for much, only to know that I'm yours. You said once that you were married to your work, but I never asked for 100%. I've never wanted that, from you or anyone else. I want what you want from me: trust.

If you want to be possessive of me, that's fine. I can handle that. I like that. But do it as my boyfriend. It's really not that complicated. It's really not that hard. Just stay.

Love,

Me

-jrd

Great

For some reason, I'm feeling very isolated tonight. I have a lot of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world but, at the end of the night, I'm still going to bed alone. I'm still braving the dark on my own and listening to the silence by myself.

I miss falling asleep to heartbeats and breathing. I miss just staying up and just talking for hours. I want meaningful conversations, not just repeating my same days over and over again.

I feel like I'm losing my current friends more and more and I'm losing myself even more than that. I don't know what I stand for anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I have no identity and I don't think anyone really knows everything about me. And if they did, they would think I was some kind of monster. I live on the other side between what's real and what's behind my eyes. I'm shaking and sick and just need to be held down. I want to scream and drink myself into oblivion like I have only once before. It saved my life once and every day I wonder if it can do it again.

I want to be crazy and go wild and cause more damage. Cause a scene and make a scandal. I want to destroy something after all these years of creating. The only thing I'm scared of, is that it's going to be myself. But I guess I'd rather be great than good.

Some nights I don't know what I want but tonight I just want to curl up next to a warm body. I don't care if it's a friend or a lover, I just don't want to be alone.

I hate that I have the Buchanan curse of settling.

-jrd

Young, Forever

I wanna stay forever young and in love.

Is that so much to ask for? To live with the hope of tomorrow bright in my eyes and the steady thump-thump in my heart. I want to do everything and believe I can. Make friends like wishes and collect memories like fireflies in the jars. I want to watch each one of them glow bright as I hold them in my hands.

It's not about your past experiences and where you've been. It's about where you're going and each step of your feet.

Do you really want to live forever?

-jrd

Mixed Media

I usually don't go off about the media much, but this is going to be more of a "one and done" kind of post. These are all my issues with media and their coverage and treatment of certain subjects. I'm probably going to piss a few people off but, they don't have to read this if they don't want to.

I've never fully understood why we, as a culture, can justify paying millions of dollars to people who throw around a ball every week and sometimes not even doing that, sometimes just sitting on the bench. Honestly? You're going to give hundreds of thousands of dollars to someone who does the exact same thing as some of the kids in my high school do while there are people starving out on the street? The same salary that these people spend on fancy cars and nice houses and fucking designer baseball hats can save thousands of people, feeding them for a while, giving them shelter from the cold. It disgusts me that we can allow this and even feed into it.

It's a typical story: teen idol gets shipped off to rehab for various issues and yet they still get seen by the media as some kind of messed up role model. Okay... what? Honestly, do people really think that this happens in real life? People in rehab don't get treated like celebrities so why should celebrities still get treated as such when they become people in rehab. It may seem harsh, but the old saying "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" still applies to life. If you can't handle all the pressures of being a celebrity, which you should realize when you're getting into it already, you should get out of the game. Don't turn to drugs and drinking as your basic life support, it doesn't work for regular people and it's not going to work for you. And toting yourself off to rehab and making some big deal about it is definitely a mature thing to do. Say you're taking some personal time off and check yourself in to the most remote rehab clinic you can find. I don't care about your partying and drug use, don't flaunt it.

There are families that adopt 6 kids from third world countries and give them the life they couldn't have had any other way. Where are the TV shows about them? Seems like the easiest way to get a reality TV show is to irresponsibly pop out a few dozen kids and trail them along like they're your newest car or something. I'm all for large families, I want one myself, but there is a limit. Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, actively chose to have all 6 embryos implanted, even after having 6 kids already. The Duggar family has 19 kids already and are still leaving their future child count "up to God." Okay, for one thing, your most recent child almost died from a premature birth. If that was anyone else, they would take it as a sign that they should stop. It's absolutely irresponsible because they don't have the disposable income to raise 19 kids. Without their show and publicity, they would most likely be in poverty or struggling. I still never understand why we can put them up on a pedestal, saying that this is okay and a good family model for other people.

Make your own decisions in life, use common sense, and don't make a fool of yourself. I'm never sure why people always forget these things.

-jrd

Molds

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I am the most unpredictable person on the planet. I try and surprise as people as much as I can, but that's not always possible. But one thing I tend to pride myself on is not fitting into molds that society tells me I should slide into perfectly.

Between the party girls of Jersey Shore and the squeaky clean Miss Taylor Swift, there isn't a niche for girls like me. I'm the type of girl that can, with the proper food in my stomach, drink like a champ and will dance on tables without a care in the world. I hate passive-aggressive behavior and will get into a fight, and end it, if one of my friends needs backing up. I stick up for what I believe in and am not afraid to piss people off. I'm not afraid of messing around with people, to a limit. I love passionately and live hard.

But I don't fuck around. I don't sleep around without some form, no matter how small, of commitment. I don't flash my tits for anyone who asks. I don't trash talk my friends. I love laying in parks and watching the stars or the clouds. I love to take shopping trips to the local produce store. I can party in a large crowd but I love just sitting and talking to people, one on one.

My views on sexual and romantic attraction are such a contradiction because I'm the girl that wants to be slammed against a wall in the dimly lit hallway of some club or venue and the girl that wants to stay up late, kissing on a couch, watching Disney movies. I want the dirty, crazy heat of sex and the soft passion of romance.

All the romance novels say I should want a bad boy, someone that will ravish me out of my mind, but those boys tend to drive hearts as well as teenagers. They drive fast and hard, but end up crashing them into a wall, walking away to the new one waiting in the driveway. I've dated and loved boys like these and have hardened myself and my heart because of that. But, even with my track record, it's more like a broken record because I tend to repeat my mistakes.

But I can never deal with a total nice guy. I've had that once before and it's like taking home a lost puppy. It's cute when you first take it home, but when you can't get a second alone, it gets to be a burden. I can't stand when guys think you can't do anything for yourself. Thank you very much, but I have two working arms- I can open a door by myself. Being treated to dinner every once in a while is nice, but when I'm not allowed to pay for anything, that's when it gets to be a bit demeaning. I need someone who will break the mold and be an asshole on occasion, but also knows how to treat a girl.

I can break a mold, now I just need the same.

-jrd

Safety

I'm never sure why people always frown upon teenagers buying condoms. I mean, with all the teen pregnancies going around, you'd think adults would be a little more encouraging. I went to Walgreens to buy condoms for this weekend and got glares from 1/2 the employees. Honestly? You're being reproachful because I'm being a responsible teenager and buying condoms for myself? I sometimes just don't understand society these days.

I don't really have a problem with teenagers having sex, as long as they're smart about it and use protection. I've made that mistake once and I'm sure as hell not making it again. But that's a different story for a different blog.

In other news, I'm obnoxiously stoked for my trip to Chicago this weekend. I can't wait to hang out with new people and spend the day with some of my favorite guys.

-jrd

Real Talk, Real Friends

"I encourage you to remember to always take a step back from it all and just breathe. It's really hard for me when things pile up like that and I feel stuck in the situation and forget that there is always something else coming my way and that I'm not really stuck you know? Tomorrow will always come and there are always people there for you to talk to if you feel like you're going crazy."

My friend Chad told me this today in midst of my mild emotional breakdown today. I've been feeling very suffocated and stressed by everything in my town and today everything broke. I threw up almost immediately when I got home and spent the next hour absolutely sobbing my eyes out. I haven't cried that much in months. I put what happened on Facebook and, not even a minute later, I had someone asking if I was okay. He doesn't even live in my town. 5 minutes later, my friend in Canada asked if I was okay, followed by my sister in Minneapolis.

Chad messaged me asking if everything was okay. That just absolutely broke me. We've met a few times, spoke a couple, and I've seen him play with his former band three times. The fact that he cared enough to take time out of his day to see if I was all right meant more to me than he'll realize. Only one of my friends that I see on a daily basis bothered to ask if I was fine. I'm starting to realize who my real friends are and I'm starting to realize what I need to do about that. Care about your friends, that's all you need to do. They'll thank you, even if they don't say it out loud.

-jrd

Restless Souls

So, sitting here on my bedroom floor, next to my unmade bed, a mug of peppermint tea, two dollars, and a homemade coupon for one lap dance, I sometimes worry about my path on life. I have religious books I pretend to read, projects left unstarted, and songs still unlearned. I want to take life one step at a time but I often feel like I'm tripping over my own feet, with no one left to catch me.

It's not that I have no one to trust. You have my trust until you lose it. I just feel like, if I'm going to fall and hurt myself, I might as well be the one to blame. I've relied on myself for most of my life, through countless tragedies that have left me broken and scarred, with hope for tomorrow, and a sometimes worryingly bright outlook on life. The world is a beautiful place and I sometimes forget to remember it, left in a dizzyingly alcoholic fog somewhere, looking at the stars.

We all fall under the same night sky, sometimes into our own beds, sometimes into someone else's. But we judge life choices, from the people we love, to the people that love us. And sometimes it isn't love, sometimes it's the fine line in between the lust of skin and touching and the creeping tendrils of the heart. I'm never sure which I want more, having had both, and I'll stick with my past and present experiences and say I'll take the in between stage, no matter how caustic it may be.

Regretting my life choice as I do sometimes, I would much rather make my mistakes over again, if I had the chance, than fix everything that went wrong. Even if it has left me with my unmade bed, my tea, my two dollars, and a lap dance. Life goes on.

-jrd

Status Quo

I feel like, maybe behind my back and never to my face, a few of my friends think I'm shallow by the people I date or find my heart going to. I've dated a (now former) manager of a band, fell for a bassist in a successful band, and am uncertain relationship-type courtship with a singer of a somewhat known band. I sometimes feel like someone might think that I'm just "dating into the scene" or trying to or whatever. I'm really not. I can't help who I like and it just so happens that all these guys that are music related share the same interests and ambitions I do. I don't date to date into scenes, I date because of heart.

Jan was never someone I really planned on dating. He used to manage a band I'm friends with (they've since fired him) and we had a lot in common and he liked me. I threw caution to the wind and said, "Hey, why not?" He treated me like an absolute princess for the first month or so we were dating. Towards the last few weeks, not so much. I ended up finding out months later from the singer of the band he used to manage that he had not only told them that he was single, but he had also cheated on me twice within a week of seeing me.

I fell for Joey's sweet talk. Along with many other girls. I learned my lesson and am stronger now.

I'm not sure what Josh and I are but I kind of like that. He's definitely flirty with me, which I absolutely love, but he also texts me these pretty important things, things he doesn't tell anyone else. He kissed me in front of other people and I'm staying with him over the weekend in November if everything works out. It's hard though because he lives 3 1/2 hours away and I don't get to see him as much as I'd like to. I'm not sure what this is, but I'm happy with it. Hopefully things get a little more serious when I get to Chicago.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for love.

But I think third time's the charm.

-jrd

Karma

In my town this weekend, we have the Black Swamp Arts Festival. It's a place for artists and musicians and culturally different people to gather together in harmony to appreciate the arts and appreciate our differences that make each other beautiful.

Unfortunately, we were a bit hindered. Bowling Green is going through a transitional period. The town is trying to pass an ordinance that would ban discrimination because of sexual orientation and other meaningless things. And, due to this, we got bible thumpers trying to push hellfire and brimstone on people at the festival. They were technically not allowed to preach in the festival perimeter. They could have preached outside the barriers, but they didn't. The festival committee did not approve them. The people preaching were also trying to sue the festival for "impeding their freedom of speech."

Do not get me wrong. I don't mind religious people. But I do mind people screaming at me that I am going to hell because of who I am and what I may or may not believe in. I believe in all paths to god and I am not going to tell you how or what to believe. Just because I don't believe in god does not mean I am going to rot in hell for eternity. I stated my opinion to these evangelists and got back spews of hate.

After having angry debate between a few of the people, getting videotaped, and getting a lot of highfives and thumbs up from bystanders, I only got one thing out of this: I am going to hell. Yeah, okay. I didn't particularly agree with all this anger and hate coming back from them, so I went up to one of the the guys holding up the "Unsanctioned Street Performer" signs, and asked if I could have one. He was more than happy to give me one and I spent a good hour and a half holding up my sign in front of various bible thumpers (one of whom is my classmate.)

We got so much support. Everyone was telling them to shut up and leave and I was getting so many smiles and thumbs up. I had at least ten people say that I was doing a good thing. I felt so accomplished that I was doing some good to counteract all the hate. I just wanted some good to come out of all of this and I was glad I could do my part.

Love always wins.

-jrd

With you and no one else.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall fast and hard and never look back.

Chicago, don't you dare stop waiting for me. I can feel the love that's going to happen when I break out of my cocoon.

Watch this butterfly fly.

-jrd

DIY: how piercing my nose taught me life lessons

Almost a month ago, I pierced my nose. The night before I was going to go visit my sister in Minneapolis, I threw all caution out the window and pierced my nose. I did everything myself and have learned more lessons about life than I ever could imagine. I'll explain everything step by step.

This was not planned.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct and do it. Piercing my nose is against my school's dress code as well as something that is severely frowned upon by the people that raised me. But I wanted to do this. I've wanted to pierce my nose for a couple years now and was going to wait until I moved to Chicago. But I got this crazy idea in my head and I went ahead and did it. I didn't hesitate about it. Was it a smart idea? No. But not all decisions that you make in life are smart. I cling to my spontaneity and will continue to do so.

I pierced my nose by myself.

To do something right, you have to do it yourself. I could have gone to a piercer or gotten one of my friends to do it. But I knew that if I was going to go through all this hassle, I was going to do it myself. I was going to put myself through the pain that I knew this would cause to get my finished product. I'm a very independent woman and, if I can do something on my own, I am going to do it. I've stopped relying on other people because, at the end of the day if something fails, I only have myself to blame. The only person I have to answer to is the one in the mirror.

I accidentally went too far and started bleeding.

I hit the side of my septum while piercing my nose. If you go too far with things, sometimes you bleed. Sometimes physically, but many times it's metaphorical. There's a fine line between pushing yourself and ending up hurt. And that night I went too far.

I got the stud in just fine

There's nothing like the feeling of accomplishment you get when you see the finished product. I've never been more proud. I sat there staring at myself in the mirror thinking, "Did I really do that?" Sometimes the awe and shock of what you just did takes time to set in. It didn't really set in that I really did pierce my nose by myself for a couple weeks. I was so giddy every time I saw myself and I felt so amazed.

The healing process

This has been a long and tedious one. The first few days, it hurt to move my nose. I kept bashing it and hitting it while washing my face. Even if you're proud of something and feel accomplished because of it, you can always still have that lingering pain. You have the lingering "what if"s and the opportunity costs you gave up because of every decision you make. The next couple weeks were hassle-free. Everything went according to plan. Calm seas and blue skies. But, just like any situation, it was the calm before the storm. It's a bit infected at the moment, but nothing I can't fix. You hit forks in the road and snags in your life. It's unavoidable and you just have to deal with it. But the way you deal with it is also important. I decided to hit this head on and fix it right now. There was pain, blood, and a lot of time, but everything is looking better now. Fix the problems as soon as you can or they're going to haunt you for longer than you want. Everything needs time to heal, some things just take longer than others.

Life is complicated and life is short, but it's the little choices in life you make that end up making the biggest impact.

Believe in the Believers of Never-ending Love

There's nothing worse than unrequited love. You are everything I could want and I could be what you need. There's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that, "Here I am, just notice!" But you wrap your head in your own little world and pretend that this will play itself out. But you sit there and move on with your life while I'm dropping more hints than bombs in WWII.

You have nothing to lose and you have everything to gain. I've never wanted anyone to take more of a chance on something than you on me.

I've got a bigger heart than you'd imagine and that's all I have to give. It's not who you are up there, it's who you are down here. Your head is in the clouds and I've never given up on my dreams. Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I'd rather be crazy than stop this feeling. I've lost my Buchanan curse of settling. I drive myself and you're the end of the road.

You're the California coast you promised you'd take me to. I'm the girl you'd never find in the city lights that have always seemed to blind you. You're a city boy and I'm a city girl, what could be better?

But with every day, I know you won't answer the phone. I won't get that call and I've been broken to the point of giving up. The little ember in my heart is struggling to stay lit for you. I'll keep it there, barely flickering until you realize your regret.

I'm going to get out of this city and you'll never know I was gone. You'll look around and feel in your heart that things just aren't the same. But I'll be more than a picture on a wall. I'll be the hope that things may really change and that people do follow their dreams.

So I'm not the average girl. I don't do things like everyone else and you are damn right that it's going to get me everywhere in life.

Follow my lead and we'll tango through the stars.

Even in the Dark

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for me. I've fallen head over heels for a boy and I'm hoping for the best.

But this isn't going to be one of those posts.

I am one of the most independent women you'll ever meet. I love being around people, but I don't let people run my life. I don't give 50, 30, or even 10% of myself for anybody else. I have my own dreams, my own goals, my own happiness, and I'm not going to risk any of these taking sideline.

I love my friends and I love other people but, at the end of the day, I'm the one I'm going to sleep with at night. I'm the one whose thoughts are going to be racing through my head. I'm the only person whose opinion will matter. It's not about being selfish, it's about being able to look in the mirror every morning and smile.

I've set my heart on what I want and this little beating thing can't take no for an answer.

Just a little about me:

I love everybody, just in different intensities. I love making people smile and I love laughing with everyone else. I love smiling and I love being the happiest person a lot of people know. I love being an optimist and I love the term "Carpe Diem." I love being calm. I love being who I want to be at any given moment of time.

I love the feeling I get when I have a good hair day. I love dresses and skirts and tights. I love pretty, old, kitschy things. I love tacky clothes because I can make them work. I love obnoxious earrings. I love flat shoes and high heels. I love wearing flip flops in the cold weather. I love pearls and I love feathers in my hair. I love fake flowers and real plants. I love dangling earrings and bangle bracelets. I love satin and I love lace.

I love the sound and smell of rain, even if I don't like being in it. I love walking home in the snow. I love biking in the Spring. I love mowing the lawn and I love weeding. I love walking through the park and I love walking through big cities.

I love music and I love art. I love bass and guitar and piano and ukulele. I love wanting to play any instrument I can get my hands on. I love the ability that I usually can. I love drawing and painting. I love the way clay feels in my hands. I love the way my muscles feel when I work with metal sculptures. I love expressing myself through anything I can: walls, doors, ceilings, windows. I love writing almost anything. I love being that person that keeps a notebook with her all the time. I love writing on napkins when I'm bored.

I love being that girl. I love everything, just in different intensities.

Viva Chicago

Photo by the amazing hellopoe on flickr.

It seems almost fitting that my first post is about one of my favorite things in the world: Chicago. I love Chicago more than music, more than love, more than happiness. People always call me crazy for being in love with a city but, then again, when you find the one place that you truly belong in, you can have everything else.

Like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home."

I've grown up all over the country - a few years here, a few years there - and I've been almost everywhere I haven't lived. Born in the South, 5 years in Kansas, 2 years in the middle of nowhere (aka Wyoming), and then going on 7 years here in Ohio. It's not that I regret where I've been, but, when a place is detrimental to where I'm going, I can't help but feel resentment.

I went to Chicago over spring break of eighth grade. I haven't been back there since. This is hopefully going to change very soon with a short trip for my birthday. When I first went, I immediately knew that this is where I was meant to live. This was where I was meant to thrive. This was perfect.

Here, people focus on two things: education and money. My town is drowning in greed and it's not going to get any better. In Chicago, people are more invested in just living than anything else. Happiness comes first in my book. I'd rather do everything than have everything and Chicago is going to be the only way out for me. This is my one chance to get away from everything and have a new start in life. Chicago is a breath of fresh air when I'm drowning in lost hopes.

I may dream big but at least I'm getting somewhere.