Auld Lang Syne

On the eve of a brand new year, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've gone through friends and lovers like an alcoholic goes through bottles. I've won and lost, more the latter, and it's starting to wear me through the bone. But this new year is going to be different. With every changing season, it offers a change for each of us and I am no exception.

I've vowed to love like I've never been hurt. Right now, this seems easier said than done, but I'm going to stick to it s long as I can. I'm going to stop getting angry at the little things he does and keep my mouth shut, because I'm learning more than ever that the words that slip out of my mouth can hurt more than I think. I've got to be patient, now more than ever. I've waited over six months; I can wait a little bit longer.

I'm going to get home. That is one of my biggest resolutions this year. I've been in the wrong city for a good eight or nine years and, now that I've finally found my home, it's just been a waiting game to get there. When I finally break free, I'm going to have a whole new start. I'll be moving to Chicago with few friends, no family, and a new name. It's going to be my one chance to start over and make something of myself. Keep an eye on my name, I'm planning on it being worth something by the end of this year.

I want to be a brand new person this year. Every little step is one step closer to being who I want to be. Live, laugh, and love. Happy 2011, everyone.

-jrd

Blow

It's silly to say, as young as I am, that I just want to stay with one person for a while. I want to stay with someone I care about for more than two or seven months at a time. I just want a relationship that doesn't leave me with scars, emotionally or physically.

Every single relationship I seem to get into, hurts me in some way. I have severe mental scars from a previous boyfriend that has an effect on so many things that I do. I can't look at pregnant women without a little part of me breaking inside. I can't stand when people call when they're high or drunk because it reminds me too much of the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered. I sound like such a hypocrite because I tend to drunk dial people myself. I smile and laugh and pretend that none of this bothers me, but I just play it off like it doesn't matter. I think my greatest saving grace is my ability to keep a strong face.

I got asked if, in a rough sexual situation, I would be okay with being slapped in the face. In any normal situation, I'm fine with being as rough as possible. But, because of one fateful night, if anyone hits my face or grabs both wrists and yells at me, I absolutely lose it. I can't function normally because of what happened with this man and I'm scarred in more ways than one. I work every day to try and get past this, but it's harder than anyone could possibly imagine.

With the last man I dated, it's been so hard to trust guys again. I wasn't even acknowledged and was cheated on twice in one week, within a week of him seeing me. I felt like I didn't even matter and I was just a game to him. I'm terrified of being used and left behind again. I don't want to be just another girl to anyone, I want to be their only girl. I don't sleep around and I don't cheat on people, so I just want to be reassured the same. I don't ask for much; I just ask not to be fucked around with.

Words hurt, so watch what you say to the people who care about you. I don't expect everyone to understand my life choices, but I just don't want the people I care and love to judge them.

-jrd

Melt Away

I am going to make promises I can keep this time. Everything needs to change. I don't care how much of myself I destroy in the process. I'm going to be a whole new person next year and I'm going to see how much self control I really have.

This is not a cry for help. If it was a cry for help, I would put this everywhere I could, seeing if someone would notice. But, at this point, I don't care if someone notices or not, because it's not going to matter. Maybe I am one of the most self destructive people I know, but I'm just going to deal with that when my time comes.

-jrd