Grips

I'm going crazy. This isn't one of those "It'll pass" kinds of nights. This is one of those nights where I'm close to ripping my hair out and throwing myself down flights of stairs. I need to be home. I need to see everyone I miss because I'm at my breaking point. I want to scream until I fucking choke and just forget about everything.

I'm sick of not being able to be there when I need to be. I hate not seeing the people I care about the most. I hate being so far away from everything I want. My hands are shaking and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I need another nightmare just to remind me that I can actually get scared of something. Everything seems so wrong and I feel like I'm just a winter storm away from losing everything.

I can't last six more months. I can't.

I just need out.

-jrd

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Please don't treat me like this. The comments you intentionally or unintentionally make brings back all the good memories we've had together and it makes me miss you that much more. I don't want to quote Katy Perry, but every time I hear that song, I think of you. In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away. But you did get away and I thought I moved on. I'll always hold a place in my heart for you, but I sometimes wish things were different, because you were probably the best I've ever had. But I've grown up more and have somebody new now. I guess "forever and always" wasn't meant to be.

Don't overstep the boundaries. You're a good friend, but that's it to me. Some things you say aren't just appropriate for what you know about my current romance situation. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to get to Chicago once and for all and things can actually start. I'm glad our paths brought us together again. Here's to a new start to something good.

I thought I liked you, and then I realized that it just wouldn't work. I'm sorry if I ever led you on, but I'm glad I have you as a friend. It's great to have someone that I can just talk to for hours on end, no matter what time in the morning. I hope we get to hang out a lot more once I get to Chicago.

-jrd

Mixtape

I made a mixtape based off this post on Tumblr. Since I don't really use my tumblr, I decided to do it here. If you want to make one, feel free and definitely leave me a comment with the link! I'd love to see it!

SIDE ‘A’
1) Bigger Point of Pride - You, Me, and Everyone We Know (While the years are still on my side, my back is strong, my eyes are wide. I want the work I do to be a bigger point of pride.)
2) Legend of Mourice - For The Birds (Gotta beware of the last path choice you took, was it meaningful or deceiving?)
3) Animal - Neon Trees (Here we go again. I kinda wanna be more than friends. So take it easy on me; I'm afraid you're never satisfied.)
4) The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson (The way you make me feel, you really turn me on. You knock me off my feet, my lonely days are gone.)
5) I'm On A Boat - The Lonely Island (I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat.)
SIDE ‘B’
1) Ur So Gay - Katy Perry (You walk around like you’re oh so debonair. You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there. I wish you would just be real with me.)
2) Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri (I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found. But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms.)
3) Boston - Augustana (I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.)
4) Vegas Skies - The Cab (All of these guards, they stand tall and defensive, putting up walls around what was once innocent. It won’t let me in.)
5) Need That - Mod Sun (You're alive, what more could you ask for?)

New Letters

Dear You,

I like you. I like you a lot. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand. I want to stay up for nights watching horror movies with you. I want to go to Disney World with you. I want to be to be the one to help you get through the rough nights I know you have. I want to be the one to calm your nerves before you play. I want to drink with you and dance on tables. I want to fall into bed with you and spend the day there. I want to be the one you want.

I don't ask for much, only to know that I'm yours. You said once that you were married to your work, but I never asked for 100%. I've never wanted that, from you or anyone else. I want what you want from me: trust.

If you want to be possessive of me, that's fine. I can handle that. I like that. But do it as my boyfriend. It's really not that complicated. It's really not that hard. Just stay.

Love,

Me

-jrd

Great

For some reason, I'm feeling very isolated tonight. I have a lot of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world but, at the end of the night, I'm still going to bed alone. I'm still braving the dark on my own and listening to the silence by myself.

I miss falling asleep to heartbeats and breathing. I miss just staying up and just talking for hours. I want meaningful conversations, not just repeating my same days over and over again.

I feel like I'm losing my current friends more and more and I'm losing myself even more than that. I don't know what I stand for anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I have no identity and I don't think anyone really knows everything about me. And if they did, they would think I was some kind of monster. I live on the other side between what's real and what's behind my eyes. I'm shaking and sick and just need to be held down. I want to scream and drink myself into oblivion like I have only once before. It saved my life once and every day I wonder if it can do it again.

I want to be crazy and go wild and cause more damage. Cause a scene and make a scandal. I want to destroy something after all these years of creating. The only thing I'm scared of, is that it's going to be myself. But I guess I'd rather be great than good.

Some nights I don't know what I want but tonight I just want to curl up next to a warm body. I don't care if it's a friend or a lover, I just don't want to be alone.

I hate that I have the Buchanan curse of settling.

-jrd

Young, Forever

I wanna stay forever young and in love.

Is that so much to ask for? To live with the hope of tomorrow bright in my eyes and the steady thump-thump in my heart. I want to do everything and believe I can. Make friends like wishes and collect memories like fireflies in the jars. I want to watch each one of them glow bright as I hold them in my hands.

It's not about your past experiences and where you've been. It's about where you're going and each step of your feet.

Do you really want to live forever?

-jrd

Mixed Media

I usually don't go off about the media much, but this is going to be more of a "one and done" kind of post. These are all my issues with media and their coverage and treatment of certain subjects. I'm probably going to piss a few people off but, they don't have to read this if they don't want to.

I've never fully understood why we, as a culture, can justify paying millions of dollars to people who throw around a ball every week and sometimes not even doing that, sometimes just sitting on the bench. Honestly? You're going to give hundreds of thousands of dollars to someone who does the exact same thing as some of the kids in my high school do while there are people starving out on the street? The same salary that these people spend on fancy cars and nice houses and fucking designer baseball hats can save thousands of people, feeding them for a while, giving them shelter from the cold. It disgusts me that we can allow this and even feed into it.

It's a typical story: teen idol gets shipped off to rehab for various issues and yet they still get seen by the media as some kind of messed up role model. Okay... what? Honestly, do people really think that this happens in real life? People in rehab don't get treated like celebrities so why should celebrities still get treated as such when they become people in rehab. It may seem harsh, but the old saying "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" still applies to life. If you can't handle all the pressures of being a celebrity, which you should realize when you're getting into it already, you should get out of the game. Don't turn to drugs and drinking as your basic life support, it doesn't work for regular people and it's not going to work for you. And toting yourself off to rehab and making some big deal about it is definitely a mature thing to do. Say you're taking some personal time off and check yourself in to the most remote rehab clinic you can find. I don't care about your partying and drug use, don't flaunt it.

There are families that adopt 6 kids from third world countries and give them the life they couldn't have had any other way. Where are the TV shows about them? Seems like the easiest way to get a reality TV show is to irresponsibly pop out a few dozen kids and trail them along like they're your newest car or something. I'm all for large families, I want one myself, but there is a limit. Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, actively chose to have all 6 embryos implanted, even after having 6 kids already. The Duggar family has 19 kids already and are still leaving their future child count "up to God." Okay, for one thing, your most recent child almost died from a premature birth. If that was anyone else, they would take it as a sign that they should stop. It's absolutely irresponsible because they don't have the disposable income to raise 19 kids. Without their show and publicity, they would most likely be in poverty or struggling. I still never understand why we can put them up on a pedestal, saying that this is okay and a good family model for other people.

Make your own decisions in life, use common sense, and don't make a fool of yourself. I'm never sure why people always forget these things.

-jrd

Molds

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I am the most unpredictable person on the planet. I try and surprise as people as much as I can, but that's not always possible. But one thing I tend to pride myself on is not fitting into molds that society tells me I should slide into perfectly.

Between the party girls of Jersey Shore and the squeaky clean Miss Taylor Swift, there isn't a niche for girls like me. I'm the type of girl that can, with the proper food in my stomach, drink like a champ and will dance on tables without a care in the world. I hate passive-aggressive behavior and will get into a fight, and end it, if one of my friends needs backing up. I stick up for what I believe in and am not afraid to piss people off. I'm not afraid of messing around with people, to a limit. I love passionately and live hard.

But I don't fuck around. I don't sleep around without some form, no matter how small, of commitment. I don't flash my tits for anyone who asks. I don't trash talk my friends. I love laying in parks and watching the stars or the clouds. I love to take shopping trips to the local produce store. I can party in a large crowd but I love just sitting and talking to people, one on one.

My views on sexual and romantic attraction are such a contradiction because I'm the girl that wants to be slammed against a wall in the dimly lit hallway of some club or venue and the girl that wants to stay up late, kissing on a couch, watching Disney movies. I want the dirty, crazy heat of sex and the soft passion of romance.

All the romance novels say I should want a bad boy, someone that will ravish me out of my mind, but those boys tend to drive hearts as well as teenagers. They drive fast and hard, but end up crashing them into a wall, walking away to the new one waiting in the driveway. I've dated and loved boys like these and have hardened myself and my heart because of that. But, even with my track record, it's more like a broken record because I tend to repeat my mistakes.

But I can never deal with a total nice guy. I've had that once before and it's like taking home a lost puppy. It's cute when you first take it home, but when you can't get a second alone, it gets to be a burden. I can't stand when guys think you can't do anything for yourself. Thank you very much, but I have two working arms- I can open a door by myself. Being treated to dinner every once in a while is nice, but when I'm not allowed to pay for anything, that's when it gets to be a bit demeaning. I need someone who will break the mold and be an asshole on occasion, but also knows how to treat a girl.

I can break a mold, now I just need the same.

-jrd

Safety

I'm never sure why people always frown upon teenagers buying condoms. I mean, with all the teen pregnancies going around, you'd think adults would be a little more encouraging. I went to Walgreens to buy condoms for this weekend and got glares from 1/2 the employees. Honestly? You're being reproachful because I'm being a responsible teenager and buying condoms for myself? I sometimes just don't understand society these days.

I don't really have a problem with teenagers having sex, as long as they're smart about it and use protection. I've made that mistake once and I'm sure as hell not making it again. But that's a different story for a different blog.

In other news, I'm obnoxiously stoked for my trip to Chicago this weekend. I can't wait to hang out with new people and spend the day with some of my favorite guys.

-jrd