Great

For some reason, I'm feeling very isolated tonight. I have a lot of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world but, at the end of the night, I'm still going to bed alone. I'm still braving the dark on my own and listening to the silence by myself.

I miss falling asleep to heartbeats and breathing. I miss just staying up and just talking for hours. I want meaningful conversations, not just repeating my same days over and over again.

I feel like I'm losing my current friends more and more and I'm losing myself even more than that. I don't know what I stand for anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I have no identity and I don't think anyone really knows everything about me. And if they did, they would think I was some kind of monster. I live on the other side between what's real and what's behind my eyes. I'm shaking and sick and just need to be held down. I want to scream and drink myself into oblivion like I have only once before. It saved my life once and every day I wonder if it can do it again.

I want to be crazy and go wild and cause more damage. Cause a scene and make a scandal. I want to destroy something after all these years of creating. The only thing I'm scared of, is that it's going to be myself. But I guess I'd rather be great than good.

Some nights I don't know what I want but tonight I just want to curl up next to a warm body. I don't care if it's a friend or a lover, I just don't want to be alone.

I hate that I have the Buchanan curse of settling.

-jrd