Every single relationship I seem to get into, hurts me in some way. I have severe mental scars from a previous boyfriend that has an effect on so many things that I do. I can't look at pregnant women without a little part of me breaking inside. I can't stand when people call when they're high or drunk because it reminds me too much of the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered. I sound like such a hypocrite because I tend to drunk dial people myself. I smile and laugh and pretend that none of this bothers me, but I just play it off like it doesn't matter. I think my greatest saving grace is my ability to keep a strong face.
I got asked if, in a rough sexual situation, I would be okay with being slapped in the face. In any normal situation, I'm fine with being as rough as possible. But, because of one fateful night, if anyone hits my face or grabs both wrists and yells at me, I absolutely lose it. I can't function normally because of what happened with this man and I'm scarred in more ways than one. I work every day to try and get past this, but it's harder than anyone could possibly imagine.
With the last man I dated, it's been so hard to trust guys again. I wasn't even acknowledged and was cheated on twice in one week, within a week of him seeing me. I felt like I didn't even matter and I was just a game to him. I'm terrified of being used and left behind again. I don't want to be just another girl to anyone, I want to be their only girl. I don't sleep around and I don't cheat on people, so I just want to be reassured the same. I don't ask for much; I just ask not to be fucked around with.
Words hurt, so watch what you say to the people who care about you. I don't expect everyone to understand my life choices, but I just don't want the people I care and love to judge them.
-jrd
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