Real Talk, Real Friends

"I encourage you to remember to always take a step back from it all and just breathe. It's really hard for me when things pile up like that and I feel stuck in the situation and forget that there is always something else coming my way and that I'm not really stuck you know? Tomorrow will always come and there are always people there for you to talk to if you feel like you're going crazy."

My friend Chad told me this today in midst of my mild emotional breakdown today. I've been feeling very suffocated and stressed by everything in my town and today everything broke. I threw up almost immediately when I got home and spent the next hour absolutely sobbing my eyes out. I haven't cried that much in months. I put what happened on Facebook and, not even a minute later, I had someone asking if I was okay. He doesn't even live in my town. 5 minutes later, my friend in Canada asked if I was okay, followed by my sister in Minneapolis.

Chad messaged me asking if everything was okay. That just absolutely broke me. We've met a few times, spoke a couple, and I've seen him play with his former band three times. The fact that he cared enough to take time out of his day to see if I was all right meant more to me than he'll realize. Only one of my friends that I see on a daily basis bothered to ask if I was fine. I'm starting to realize who my real friends are and I'm starting to realize what I need to do about that. Care about your friends, that's all you need to do. They'll thank you, even if they don't say it out loud.

-jrd

Restless Souls

So, sitting here on my bedroom floor, next to my unmade bed, a mug of peppermint tea, two dollars, and a homemade coupon for one lap dance, I sometimes worry about my path on life. I have religious books I pretend to read, projects left unstarted, and songs still unlearned. I want to take life one step at a time but I often feel like I'm tripping over my own feet, with no one left to catch me.

It's not that I have no one to trust. You have my trust until you lose it. I just feel like, if I'm going to fall and hurt myself, I might as well be the one to blame. I've relied on myself for most of my life, through countless tragedies that have left me broken and scarred, with hope for tomorrow, and a sometimes worryingly bright outlook on life. The world is a beautiful place and I sometimes forget to remember it, left in a dizzyingly alcoholic fog somewhere, looking at the stars.

We all fall under the same night sky, sometimes into our own beds, sometimes into someone else's. But we judge life choices, from the people we love, to the people that love us. And sometimes it isn't love, sometimes it's the fine line in between the lust of skin and touching and the creeping tendrils of the heart. I'm never sure which I want more, having had both, and I'll stick with my past and present experiences and say I'll take the in between stage, no matter how caustic it may be.

Regretting my life choice as I do sometimes, I would much rather make my mistakes over again, if I had the chance, than fix everything that went wrong. Even if it has left me with my unmade bed, my tea, my two dollars, and a lap dance. Life goes on.

-jrd

Status Quo

I feel like, maybe behind my back and never to my face, a few of my friends think I'm shallow by the people I date or find my heart going to. I've dated a (now former) manager of a band, fell for a bassist in a successful band, and am uncertain relationship-type courtship with a singer of a somewhat known band. I sometimes feel like someone might think that I'm just "dating into the scene" or trying to or whatever. I'm really not. I can't help who I like and it just so happens that all these guys that are music related share the same interests and ambitions I do. I don't date to date into scenes, I date because of heart.

Jan was never someone I really planned on dating. He used to manage a band I'm friends with (they've since fired him) and we had a lot in common and he liked me. I threw caution to the wind and said, "Hey, why not?" He treated me like an absolute princess for the first month or so we were dating. Towards the last few weeks, not so much. I ended up finding out months later from the singer of the band he used to manage that he had not only told them that he was single, but he had also cheated on me twice within a week of seeing me.

I fell for Joey's sweet talk. Along with many other girls. I learned my lesson and am stronger now.

I'm not sure what Josh and I are but I kind of like that. He's definitely flirty with me, which I absolutely love, but he also texts me these pretty important things, things he doesn't tell anyone else. He kissed me in front of other people and I'm staying with him over the weekend in November if everything works out. It's hard though because he lives 3 1/2 hours away and I don't get to see him as much as I'd like to. I'm not sure what this is, but I'm happy with it. Hopefully things get a little more serious when I get to Chicago.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for love.

But I think third time's the charm.

-jrd

Karma

In my town this weekend, we have the Black Swamp Arts Festival. It's a place for artists and musicians and culturally different people to gather together in harmony to appreciate the arts and appreciate our differences that make each other beautiful.

Unfortunately, we were a bit hindered. Bowling Green is going through a transitional period. The town is trying to pass an ordinance that would ban discrimination because of sexual orientation and other meaningless things. And, due to this, we got bible thumpers trying to push hellfire and brimstone on people at the festival. They were technically not allowed to preach in the festival perimeter. They could have preached outside the barriers, but they didn't. The festival committee did not approve them. The people preaching were also trying to sue the festival for "impeding their freedom of speech."

Do not get me wrong. I don't mind religious people. But I do mind people screaming at me that I am going to hell because of who I am and what I may or may not believe in. I believe in all paths to god and I am not going to tell you how or what to believe. Just because I don't believe in god does not mean I am going to rot in hell for eternity. I stated my opinion to these evangelists and got back spews of hate.

After having angry debate between a few of the people, getting videotaped, and getting a lot of highfives and thumbs up from bystanders, I only got one thing out of this: I am going to hell. Yeah, okay. I didn't particularly agree with all this anger and hate coming back from them, so I went up to one of the the guys holding up the "Unsanctioned Street Performer" signs, and asked if I could have one. He was more than happy to give me one and I spent a good hour and a half holding up my sign in front of various bible thumpers (one of whom is my classmate.)

We got so much support. Everyone was telling them to shut up and leave and I was getting so many smiles and thumbs up. I had at least ten people say that I was doing a good thing. I felt so accomplished that I was doing some good to counteract all the hate. I just wanted some good to come out of all of this and I was glad I could do my part.

Love always wins.

-jrd

With you and no one else.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall fast and hard and never look back.

Chicago, don't you dare stop waiting for me. I can feel the love that's going to happen when I break out of my cocoon.

Watch this butterfly fly.

-jrd

DIY: how piercing my nose taught me life lessons

Almost a month ago, I pierced my nose. The night before I was going to go visit my sister in Minneapolis, I threw all caution out the window and pierced my nose. I did everything myself and have learned more lessons about life than I ever could imagine. I'll explain everything step by step.

This was not planned.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct and do it. Piercing my nose is against my school's dress code as well as something that is severely frowned upon by the people that raised me. But I wanted to do this. I've wanted to pierce my nose for a couple years now and was going to wait until I moved to Chicago. But I got this crazy idea in my head and I went ahead and did it. I didn't hesitate about it. Was it a smart idea? No. But not all decisions that you make in life are smart. I cling to my spontaneity and will continue to do so.

I pierced my nose by myself.

To do something right, you have to do it yourself. I could have gone to a piercer or gotten one of my friends to do it. But I knew that if I was going to go through all this hassle, I was going to do it myself. I was going to put myself through the pain that I knew this would cause to get my finished product. I'm a very independent woman and, if I can do something on my own, I am going to do it. I've stopped relying on other people because, at the end of the day if something fails, I only have myself to blame. The only person I have to answer to is the one in the mirror.

I accidentally went too far and started bleeding.

I hit the side of my septum while piercing my nose. If you go too far with things, sometimes you bleed. Sometimes physically, but many times it's metaphorical. There's a fine line between pushing yourself and ending up hurt. And that night I went too far.

I got the stud in just fine

There's nothing like the feeling of accomplishment you get when you see the finished product. I've never been more proud. I sat there staring at myself in the mirror thinking, "Did I really do that?" Sometimes the awe and shock of what you just did takes time to set in. It didn't really set in that I really did pierce my nose by myself for a couple weeks. I was so giddy every time I saw myself and I felt so amazed.

The healing process

This has been a long and tedious one. The first few days, it hurt to move my nose. I kept bashing it and hitting it while washing my face. Even if you're proud of something and feel accomplished because of it, you can always still have that lingering pain. You have the lingering "what if"s and the opportunity costs you gave up because of every decision you make. The next couple weeks were hassle-free. Everything went according to plan. Calm seas and blue skies. But, just like any situation, it was the calm before the storm. It's a bit infected at the moment, but nothing I can't fix. You hit forks in the road and snags in your life. It's unavoidable and you just have to deal with it. But the way you deal with it is also important. I decided to hit this head on and fix it right now. There was pain, blood, and a lot of time, but everything is looking better now. Fix the problems as soon as you can or they're going to haunt you for longer than you want. Everything needs time to heal, some things just take longer than others.

Life is complicated and life is short, but it's the little choices in life you make that end up making the biggest impact.

Believe in the Believers of Never-ending Love

There's nothing worse than unrequited love. You are everything I could want and I could be what you need. There's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that, "Here I am, just notice!" But you wrap your head in your own little world and pretend that this will play itself out. But you sit there and move on with your life while I'm dropping more hints than bombs in WWII.

You have nothing to lose and you have everything to gain. I've never wanted anyone to take more of a chance on something than you on me.

I've got a bigger heart than you'd imagine and that's all I have to give. It's not who you are up there, it's who you are down here. Your head is in the clouds and I've never given up on my dreams. Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I'd rather be crazy than stop this feeling. I've lost my Buchanan curse of settling. I drive myself and you're the end of the road.

You're the California coast you promised you'd take me to. I'm the girl you'd never find in the city lights that have always seemed to blind you. You're a city boy and I'm a city girl, what could be better?

But with every day, I know you won't answer the phone. I won't get that call and I've been broken to the point of giving up. The little ember in my heart is struggling to stay lit for you. I'll keep it there, barely flickering until you realize your regret.