Blow

It's silly to say, as young as I am, that I just want to stay with one person for a while. I want to stay with someone I care about for more than two or seven months at a time. I just want a relationship that doesn't leave me with scars, emotionally or physically.

Every single relationship I seem to get into, hurts me in some way. I have severe mental scars from a previous boyfriend that has an effect on so many things that I do. I can't look at pregnant women without a little part of me breaking inside. I can't stand when people call when they're high or drunk because it reminds me too much of the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered. I sound like such a hypocrite because I tend to drunk dial people myself. I smile and laugh and pretend that none of this bothers me, but I just play it off like it doesn't matter. I think my greatest saving grace is my ability to keep a strong face.

I got asked if, in a rough sexual situation, I would be okay with being slapped in the face. In any normal situation, I'm fine with being as rough as possible. But, because of one fateful night, if anyone hits my face or grabs both wrists and yells at me, I absolutely lose it. I can't function normally because of what happened with this man and I'm scarred in more ways than one. I work every day to try and get past this, but it's harder than anyone could possibly imagine.

With the last man I dated, it's been so hard to trust guys again. I wasn't even acknowledged and was cheated on twice in one week, within a week of him seeing me. I felt like I didn't even matter and I was just a game to him. I'm terrified of being used and left behind again. I don't want to be just another girl to anyone, I want to be their only girl. I don't sleep around and I don't cheat on people, so I just want to be reassured the same. I don't ask for much; I just ask not to be fucked around with.

Words hurt, so watch what you say to the people who care about you. I don't expect everyone to understand my life choices, but I just don't want the people I care and love to judge them.

-jrd

Melt Away

I am going to make promises I can keep this time. Everything needs to change. I don't care how much of myself I destroy in the process. I'm going to be a whole new person next year and I'm going to see how much self control I really have.

This is not a cry for help. If it was a cry for help, I would put this everywhere I could, seeing if someone would notice. But, at this point, I don't care if someone notices or not, because it's not going to matter. Maybe I am one of the most self destructive people I know, but I'm just going to deal with that when my time comes.

-jrd

Grips

I'm going crazy. This isn't one of those "It'll pass" kinds of nights. This is one of those nights where I'm close to ripping my hair out and throwing myself down flights of stairs. I need to be home. I need to see everyone I miss because I'm at my breaking point. I want to scream until I fucking choke and just forget about everything.

I'm sick of not being able to be there when I need to be. I hate not seeing the people I care about the most. I hate being so far away from everything I want. My hands are shaking and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I need another nightmare just to remind me that I can actually get scared of something. Everything seems so wrong and I feel like I'm just a winter storm away from losing everything.

I can't last six more months. I can't.

I just need out.

-jrd

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Please don't treat me like this. The comments you intentionally or unintentionally make brings back all the good memories we've had together and it makes me miss you that much more. I don't want to quote Katy Perry, but every time I hear that song, I think of you. In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away. But you did get away and I thought I moved on. I'll always hold a place in my heart for you, but I sometimes wish things were different, because you were probably the best I've ever had. But I've grown up more and have somebody new now. I guess "forever and always" wasn't meant to be.

Don't overstep the boundaries. You're a good friend, but that's it to me. Some things you say aren't just appropriate for what you know about my current romance situation. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to get to Chicago once and for all and things can actually start. I'm glad our paths brought us together again. Here's to a new start to something good.

I thought I liked you, and then I realized that it just wouldn't work. I'm sorry if I ever led you on, but I'm glad I have you as a friend. It's great to have someone that I can just talk to for hours on end, no matter what time in the morning. I hope we get to hang out a lot more once I get to Chicago.

-jrd

Mixtape

I made a mixtape based off this post on Tumblr. Since I don't really use my tumblr, I decided to do it here. If you want to make one, feel free and definitely leave me a comment with the link! I'd love to see it!

SIDE ‘A’
1) Bigger Point of Pride - You, Me, and Everyone We Know (While the years are still on my side, my back is strong, my eyes are wide. I want the work I do to be a bigger point of pride.)
2) Legend of Mourice - For The Birds (Gotta beware of the last path choice you took, was it meaningful or deceiving?)
3) Animal - Neon Trees (Here we go again. I kinda wanna be more than friends. So take it easy on me; I'm afraid you're never satisfied.)
4) The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson (The way you make me feel, you really turn me on. You knock me off my feet, my lonely days are gone.)
5) I'm On A Boat - The Lonely Island (I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat.)
SIDE ‘B’
1) Ur So Gay - Katy Perry (You walk around like you’re oh so debonair. You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there. I wish you would just be real with me.)
2) Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri (I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found. But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms.)
3) Boston - Augustana (I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.)
4) Vegas Skies - The Cab (All of these guards, they stand tall and defensive, putting up walls around what was once innocent. It won’t let me in.)
5) Need That - Mod Sun (You're alive, what more could you ask for?)

New Letters

Dear You,

I like you. I like you a lot. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand. I want to stay up for nights watching horror movies with you. I want to go to Disney World with you. I want to be to be the one to help you get through the rough nights I know you have. I want to be the one to calm your nerves before you play. I want to drink with you and dance on tables. I want to fall into bed with you and spend the day there. I want to be the one you want.

I don't ask for much, only to know that I'm yours. You said once that you were married to your work, but I never asked for 100%. I've never wanted that, from you or anyone else. I want what you want from me: trust.

If you want to be possessive of me, that's fine. I can handle that. I like that. But do it as my boyfriend. It's really not that complicated. It's really not that hard. Just stay.

Love,

Me

-jrd

Great

For some reason, I'm feeling very isolated tonight. I have a lot of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world but, at the end of the night, I'm still going to bed alone. I'm still braving the dark on my own and listening to the silence by myself.

I miss falling asleep to heartbeats and breathing. I miss just staying up and just talking for hours. I want meaningful conversations, not just repeating my same days over and over again.

I feel like I'm losing my current friends more and more and I'm losing myself even more than that. I don't know what I stand for anymore and I don't know what to do with myself. I have no identity and I don't think anyone really knows everything about me. And if they did, they would think I was some kind of monster. I live on the other side between what's real and what's behind my eyes. I'm shaking and sick and just need to be held down. I want to scream and drink myself into oblivion like I have only once before. It saved my life once and every day I wonder if it can do it again.

I want to be crazy and go wild and cause more damage. Cause a scene and make a scandal. I want to destroy something after all these years of creating. The only thing I'm scared of, is that it's going to be myself. But I guess I'd rather be great than good.

Some nights I don't know what I want but tonight I just want to curl up next to a warm body. I don't care if it's a friend or a lover, I just don't want to be alone.

I hate that I have the Buchanan curse of settling.

-jrd