Real Talk, Real Friends

"I encourage you to remember to always take a step back from it all and just breathe. It's really hard for me when things pile up like that and I feel stuck in the situation and forget that there is always something else coming my way and that I'm not really stuck you know? Tomorrow will always come and there are always people there for you to talk to if you feel like you're going crazy."

My friend Chad told me this today in midst of my mild emotional breakdown today. I've been feeling very suffocated and stressed by everything in my town and today everything broke. I threw up almost immediately when I got home and spent the next hour absolutely sobbing my eyes out. I haven't cried that much in months. I put what happened on Facebook and, not even a minute later, I had someone asking if I was okay. He doesn't even live in my town. 5 minutes later, my friend in Canada asked if I was okay, followed by my sister in Minneapolis.

Chad messaged me asking if everything was okay. That just absolutely broke me. We've met a few times, spoke a couple, and I've seen him play with his former band three times. The fact that he cared enough to take time out of his day to see if I was all right meant more to me than he'll realize. Only one of my friends that I see on a daily basis bothered to ask if I was fine. I'm starting to realize who my real friends are and I'm starting to realize what I need to do about that. Care about your friends, that's all you need to do. They'll thank you, even if they don't say it out loud.

-jrd

Restless Souls

So, sitting here on my bedroom floor, next to my unmade bed, a mug of peppermint tea, two dollars, and a homemade coupon for one lap dance, I sometimes worry about my path on life. I have religious books I pretend to read, projects left unstarted, and songs still unlearned. I want to take life one step at a time but I often feel like I'm tripping over my own feet, with no one left to catch me.

It's not that I have no one to trust. You have my trust until you lose it. I just feel like, if I'm going to fall and hurt myself, I might as well be the one to blame. I've relied on myself for most of my life, through countless tragedies that have left me broken and scarred, with hope for tomorrow, and a sometimes worryingly bright outlook on life. The world is a beautiful place and I sometimes forget to remember it, left in a dizzyingly alcoholic fog somewhere, looking at the stars.

We all fall under the same night sky, sometimes into our own beds, sometimes into someone else's. But we judge life choices, from the people we love, to the people that love us. And sometimes it isn't love, sometimes it's the fine line in between the lust of skin and touching and the creeping tendrils of the heart. I'm never sure which I want more, having had both, and I'll stick with my past and present experiences and say I'll take the in between stage, no matter how caustic it may be.

Regretting my life choice as I do sometimes, I would much rather make my mistakes over again, if I had the chance, than fix everything that went wrong. Even if it has left me with my unmade bed, my tea, my two dollars, and a lap dance. Life goes on.

-jrd

Status Quo

I feel like, maybe behind my back and never to my face, a few of my friends think I'm shallow by the people I date or find my heart going to. I've dated a (now former) manager of a band, fell for a bassist in a successful band, and am uncertain relationship-type courtship with a singer of a somewhat known band. I sometimes feel like someone might think that I'm just "dating into the scene" or trying to or whatever. I'm really not. I can't help who I like and it just so happens that all these guys that are music related share the same interests and ambitions I do. I don't date to date into scenes, I date because of heart.

Jan was never someone I really planned on dating. He used to manage a band I'm friends with (they've since fired him) and we had a lot in common and he liked me. I threw caution to the wind and said, "Hey, why not?" He treated me like an absolute princess for the first month or so we were dating. Towards the last few weeks, not so much. I ended up finding out months later from the singer of the band he used to manage that he had not only told them that he was single, but he had also cheated on me twice within a week of seeing me.

I fell for Joey's sweet talk. Along with many other girls. I learned my lesson and am stronger now.

I'm not sure what Josh and I are but I kind of like that. He's definitely flirty with me, which I absolutely love, but he also texts me these pretty important things, things he doesn't tell anyone else. He kissed me in front of other people and I'm staying with him over the weekend in November if everything works out. It's hard though because he lives 3 1/2 hours away and I don't get to see him as much as I'd like to. I'm not sure what this is, but I'm happy with it. Hopefully things get a little more serious when I get to Chicago.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for love.

But I think third time's the charm.

-jrd