(Un)Open Letter

What happens when you’re supposed to shine a light on someone but don’t know if you can make them believe the rays are actually shining on their face, let alone their heart?

I’m scared I’m going to keep so much regret buried down in my soul if I don’t fix this and you. I want so much to grab you, tell you I love you, and kiss you. Just to make you feel something. Just to make you feel like there’s some hope that you can put the pieces of your heart back together. It’s a long and perilous road, but I want to be there every step of the way.

I can’t lose you as a person, a friend, or someone I love. I’ve lost too many people to lose another. I want to help you find the light, find your passion, find your love. You’ve done so much for me and I can’t even begin to do the same for you. Just let me in.

I’m such a coward and I wish I could tell you this to your face, send this to you in an actual letter, but I’m not that strong. I’m strong enough to try and lift your heavy heart, but not tell you it straight to your soul. I want to tell you so much but I really can’t find the words. I can’t find the words to say, but if I did, I know I would say them to you every single night. Just to keep you going through another night until the sun rises up.

Because nobody is too far gone.

Auld Lang Syne

On the eve of a brand new year, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've gone through friends and lovers like an alcoholic goes through bottles. I've won and lost, more the latter, and it's starting to wear me through the bone. But this new year is going to be different. With every changing season, it offers a change for each of us and I am no exception.

I've vowed to love like I've never been hurt. Right now, this seems easier said than done, but I'm going to stick to it s long as I can. I'm going to stop getting angry at the little things he does and keep my mouth shut, because I'm learning more than ever that the words that slip out of my mouth can hurt more than I think. I've got to be patient, now more than ever. I've waited over six months; I can wait a little bit longer.

I'm going to get home. That is one of my biggest resolutions this year. I've been in the wrong city for a good eight or nine years and, now that I've finally found my home, it's just been a waiting game to get there. When I finally break free, I'm going to have a whole new start. I'll be moving to Chicago with few friends, no family, and a new name. It's going to be my one chance to start over and make something of myself. Keep an eye on my name, I'm planning on it being worth something by the end of this year.

I want to be a brand new person this year. Every little step is one step closer to being who I want to be. Live, laugh, and love. Happy 2011, everyone.

-jrd

Blow

It's silly to say, as young as I am, that I just want to stay with one person for a while. I want to stay with someone I care about for more than two or seven months at a time. I just want a relationship that doesn't leave me with scars, emotionally or physically.

Every single relationship I seem to get into, hurts me in some way. I have severe mental scars from a previous boyfriend that has an effect on so many things that I do. I can't look at pregnant women without a little part of me breaking inside. I can't stand when people call when they're high or drunk because it reminds me too much of the verbal and emotional abuse I suffered. I sound like such a hypocrite because I tend to drunk dial people myself. I smile and laugh and pretend that none of this bothers me, but I just play it off like it doesn't matter. I think my greatest saving grace is my ability to keep a strong face.

I got asked if, in a rough sexual situation, I would be okay with being slapped in the face. In any normal situation, I'm fine with being as rough as possible. But, because of one fateful night, if anyone hits my face or grabs both wrists and yells at me, I absolutely lose it. I can't function normally because of what happened with this man and I'm scarred in more ways than one. I work every day to try and get past this, but it's harder than anyone could possibly imagine.

With the last man I dated, it's been so hard to trust guys again. I wasn't even acknowledged and was cheated on twice in one week, within a week of him seeing me. I felt like I didn't even matter and I was just a game to him. I'm terrified of being used and left behind again. I don't want to be just another girl to anyone, I want to be their only girl. I don't sleep around and I don't cheat on people, so I just want to be reassured the same. I don't ask for much; I just ask not to be fucked around with.

Words hurt, so watch what you say to the people who care about you. I don't expect everyone to understand my life choices, but I just don't want the people I care and love to judge them.

-jrd

Melt Away

I am going to make promises I can keep this time. Everything needs to change. I don't care how much of myself I destroy in the process. I'm going to be a whole new person next year and I'm going to see how much self control I really have.

This is not a cry for help. If it was a cry for help, I would put this everywhere I could, seeing if someone would notice. But, at this point, I don't care if someone notices or not, because it's not going to matter. Maybe I am one of the most self destructive people I know, but I'm just going to deal with that when my time comes.

-jrd

Grips

I'm going crazy. This isn't one of those "It'll pass" kinds of nights. This is one of those nights where I'm close to ripping my hair out and throwing myself down flights of stairs. I need to be home. I need to see everyone I miss because I'm at my breaking point. I want to scream until I fucking choke and just forget about everything.

I'm sick of not being able to be there when I need to be. I hate not seeing the people I care about the most. I hate being so far away from everything I want. My hands are shaking and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I need another nightmare just to remind me that I can actually get scared of something. Everything seems so wrong and I feel like I'm just a winter storm away from losing everything.

I can't last six more months. I can't.

I just need out.

-jrd

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Please don't treat me like this. The comments you intentionally or unintentionally make brings back all the good memories we've had together and it makes me miss you that much more. I don't want to quote Katy Perry, but every time I hear that song, I think of you. In another life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away. But you did get away and I thought I moved on. I'll always hold a place in my heart for you, but I sometimes wish things were different, because you were probably the best I've ever had. But I've grown up more and have somebody new now. I guess "forever and always" wasn't meant to be.

Don't overstep the boundaries. You're a good friend, but that's it to me. Some things you say aren't just appropriate for what you know about my current romance situation. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to get to Chicago once and for all and things can actually start. I'm glad our paths brought us together again. Here's to a new start to something good.

I thought I liked you, and then I realized that it just wouldn't work. I'm sorry if I ever led you on, but I'm glad I have you as a friend. It's great to have someone that I can just talk to for hours on end, no matter what time in the morning. I hope we get to hang out a lot more once I get to Chicago.

-jrd

Mixtape

I made a mixtape based off this post on Tumblr. Since I don't really use my tumblr, I decided to do it here. If you want to make one, feel free and definitely leave me a comment with the link! I'd love to see it!

SIDE ‘A’
1) Bigger Point of Pride - You, Me, and Everyone We Know (While the years are still on my side, my back is strong, my eyes are wide. I want the work I do to be a bigger point of pride.)
2) Legend of Mourice - For The Birds (Gotta beware of the last path choice you took, was it meaningful or deceiving?)
3) Animal - Neon Trees (Here we go again. I kinda wanna be more than friends. So take it easy on me; I'm afraid you're never satisfied.)
4) The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson (The way you make me feel, you really turn me on. You knock me off my feet, my lonely days are gone.)
5) I'm On A Boat - The Lonely Island (I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat.)
SIDE ‘B’
1) Ur So Gay - Katy Perry (You walk around like you’re oh so debonair. You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there. I wish you would just be real with me.)
2) Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri (I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found. But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms.)
3) Boston - Augustana (I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind. I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset. I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.)
4) Vegas Skies - The Cab (All of these guards, they stand tall and defensive, putting up walls around what was once innocent. It won’t let me in.)
5) Need That - Mod Sun (You're alive, what more could you ask for?)